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autumngoddess
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Name: Cindy
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: San Bernardino
Gender: Female
Interests: movies, music, dancing, singing, sleeping, talking, writing, reading, traveling, olympic games, gymnastics, swimming.favorite athletes: michael phelps, ian thorpe, aleksi namov, paul and morgan hamm, blaine wilson, dominique dawes and moceanu, carly patterson, courtney kupets, derek jeter, alex rodriguez, sammy sosa...u get the idea.rock, pop, dance, reggaeton, merengue, classical, country...everything.kay hooper, linda howard, julie garwood.xanga, livejournal, myspace, friendster, facebookPuerto Rico
Occupation: Student
Industry: Business
Message: message meEmail: email me
AIM:  SaffireRican
MSN: autumngoddess15@hotmail.com
Yahoo:  autumngoddess15
Member Since:
3/9/2004
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| so the other day i lost a friend.
this friend...i've known her for abour 8 years.
and it's actually quite ridiculous why she decided to ex me out of her life.
she read something i posted and decided that it was the most ignorant thing, and that people like me make the world worse.
she also hoped that i wouldn't have kids. which, to that, i do take offense, because i would never wish that on someone.
anyway, i just think it's stupid because she's known me for so long, she should have known how i've felt about such issues or else she didn't know me. but getting rid of me on those reasons is like not being friends with someone because they have different religious views than you.
just because i don't agree with certain things doesn't mean that i don't like you as a person, so why can't you like me as a person because i have different views? you liked me before, didn't you?
i liked you when you lied to me and told me you were straight, and i still liked you when you finally came out and told me you were gay even though everyone else knew it. i even liked you when none of my other friends did. when everyone else said you were weird or nasty. i always remember how you were my first friend here, how you were so nice to me. but alas, you've dropped me. i guess you didn't like me that much to begin with then, eh?
goodbye, old friend. goodbye.
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| i hate how i'm so jealous of everyone else's lives.
i would give anything to be able to be with my guy on an actual day-to-day basis and have a "normal" relationship, and to be able to just be with my friends...all of the ones that i feel closest to, all at the same time. But all of them are spread all throughout the country, and even some overseas, so it's never going to happen. Maybe for my wedding, but I'm sure someone will either not be able to afford to come out or not be able to get out of class or work or whatever it is that is going on in their life at that point in time. I just...really want my friends. My life is so isolated; I mostly keep to myself and only hang out with 1 person at most times. I guess that's my own fault for creating that kind of environment, but I feel left out in a group of people most days.
I miss Larissa and Duncan and Amy and Ambria and the Jessicas and Calla and Lily and Ashley and Ashlee and Mary and Dustin and Miguel and Jared. It would just be wonderful if we could be together, all of us. Even though half of those people are married or have kids. i know things will NEVER be the same again, but i just miss it. i miss them. i miss good times and good memories.
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| i think i'm falling for him.
everything's just happened so fast.
but when he says things...
...you can tell he REALLY means them.
he's so genuine and refreshing.
i will not tell him "i love you" because i am caught up in the moment.
if i tell him, i will tell him because it is true.
and right now, i find myself fighting with...myself...a lot.
because i want to live life and put my whole heart into it...
and then i get scared and start backing off.
because i don't want to get hurt,
but most of all,
i don't want to hurt him.
he's amazing. plain and simple.
i love being able to just completely be me.
i feel so incredibly close to him right now on a whole new level.
it's a nice feeling. :)
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| why can't i just freaking get something right?
what the hell am i doing in this major if i don't even get what the hell we're doing 9 times out of 10.
everyone else seems to get what we're doing pretty well. like it flows for them.
and i'm so completely lost.
i don't know.
i used to be and feel smart.
now i feel so stupid. i can't ever seem to get anything right.
i could do something over and over and still barely make a b on an exam.
last time i only got a 66.
this test on tuesday is worth 30 percent of my grade.
i need an a or b.
because i know i am going to have a tough time on the comprehensive final which will be worth 35 percent.
and i need to make a c to get out of this effing class.
i'm doing so bad in my accounting classes and i don't know why.
i should be making a's and b's.
that my freaking major.
but i find myself crying about it all the time.
i don't know what to do. all my efforts seem to go to waste.
i'm so close to graduating, but i feel like i can't do it.
i don't even wanna be an accountant.
i just wanna get married and be a wife and mom. i don't wanna have to stress myself out about stupid shit all the time.
this is college and i'm not even having a good time. i hate it. i really freaking hate it.
i should be living it up and instead these are the worst years of my life.
i'm away from my family.
i don't like my major.
i only have 2 friends.
my boyfriend is 3000 miles away.
i never go out.
i hate this.
i hate this.
i hate this so much.
i don't know what to do but cry.
i just gave issa this long note on being postive and i can't even do it myself.
i'm about to pass out from crying and hyperventilating.
its hared.
i'm wasting my family's money.
for nothing.
its not even worth it.
i shoulda just studied something i like since i don't even want a job anyway.
fuck.
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| you know...i'm a firm believer in that people will do something if they really want to.
i don't like when people give me excuses on how they haven't had time or they've been so busy or they don't have the money, etc. because when i try to talk to say whats up to someone and they don't reply to me but they can get back to everyone else, that's not them being too busy. when you can't afford a trip to hang out with me but you can party with all your other friends all the time, its not a lack of money.
i'll personally never understand why some people prefer everyone else in the whole world to me. i'm a cool kid. i'm nice. yeah, i never do stuff, but that's part of the vicious circle. no one wants to respond.
but i've got really good friends. just so happens that most of them are in the far reaches of the country instead of with me. but i heart them.
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